I saw a post in my personal Facebook stream about a friend of mine’s wife who wrote “Am I Pretty?” a book to help her daughter and other girls as they come to terms with who they are and what to value. Before I even bought the book, I knew this would be a great resource for so many moms and daughters out there struggling with the same issues.
And I knew I had to share it with you, my readers, who are also moms looking to do the best you can for your own kids. Please read on and then share some of your own tips and favorite resources you have enjoyed with your daughter.
Guest post by Lindsey Jensen Burke
I thought raising my children through the toddler and preschool years would be relatively easy. I studied child development in college and taught preschool for many years. Oh, I knew that it would be exhausting, relentless, frustrating, maddening—and beautiful all at the same time. I just expected to have the answers to their simple social problems: share with your friends, take turns, use your words, etc. I was completely surprised and overwhelmed when my four year old daughter started asking me if she was pretty. This was preschool! I had thought we were years away from such questions about self-esteem and self-confidence.
Julia has always had an unusual style: matching shorts with sweaters, wearing bandanas on her head, and attaching cat tails to her outfits. So when the focus on her appearance seemed to be externally motivated, I started asking questions. I realized that she was being told she needed to wear a certain color or accessorize a particular way to play with the other girls in class. Her focus continued to be on whether or not she was pretty.
I was never the type of mother who focused attention on her daughter’s appearance. There were so many other qualities to comment on or compliment that the phrase “you are so pretty” seemed vain and put too much emphasis on something I didn’t want her to care about.
When asked this question over and over, I tried the old standard “it doesn’t matter what you look like. It is what’s in your heart that matters.” Julia challenged me with “why can’t I be pretty on the inside and outside?” My bag of tricks was empty. I was stumped. I’d love to say that knowledge is simply from the media. But the truth is she knows when her dad and I go out at night, I put a little makeup on and wear a dress. I couldn’t continue the false story line that looks don’t matter at all. After trying to avoid the answer, I knew I had to discuss issues of self-esteem, beauty, bullying, body image and empowerment.
I talked with friends and realized they were all dealing with this in one way or another with their daughters. We brainstormed how to deal with it and what type of message we want to send our girls. We looked for books on the topic – both parenting books and children’s books – and came up empty handed. One friend forwarded a poem by Kate Makkai to me. This was the first time I heard something about appearance that I wanted Julia to understand. The poem is for adults and kept thinking about ways I could explain it to her in a meaningful way.
One night I woke up at 3:00 am and decided to take this message and turn it into a children’s book. I figured if Julia could benefit from her words, other girls could too. What I really want children to understand is that, yes, appearance is a small part of who they are. But they need to focus on the other more important parts – such as social, intellectual, and spiritual health. We all need to examine what role and how important looks are to us – and how and what messages we send to our kids. Like Julia, I want our daughters to know that they are pretty smart, pretty kind, pretty brave, pretty strong, and pretty amazing. But pretty is too small a word to describe them. They will always be so much more than pretty.
The book serves as a visual tool to spark the conversation and address issues of self-confidence, bullying, self-esteem and cultural obsession with appearance.
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Interested? Click over to Amazon to get your own copy of “Am I Pretty?”
Please share some of your own tips and favorite resources you have enjoyed with your daughter in the comments section below.
*This post has affiliate links from Amazon.com.
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