Today we are back on track for our weekly Real (Experienced) Mom series where moms of children at least 20 years of age and out of the house share their experiences, good and not-so-good, with the rest of us.
It is my hope that through these interviews we can spark more cross-generational conversation and all learn something about others, ourselves, and grow as better moms, no matter the ages of our children.
I have the privilege of knowing this week’s Real (Experienced) Mom in real life. Doris is an incredible lady and an answer to a many-year prayer for a godly mentor to live near to me. She is great for a dose of reality, although when she tells me that her (very orderly and beautiful) home used to look like mine (dings in the paint from cars and the like and toys everywhere) I wonder if she is really telling the truth. But she sure loves on her grandchildren, so I know her home must have always been filled with love.
Real (Experienced) Mom Interview with Doris
What are the approximate ages of your children now?
I have seven children altogether.
Step-children – 40, 38, my and my husband’s – 32, 29, my niece and nephews – 22, 17, 15
Do you have any grandchildren?
Yes, four – 16, 15, 5, 2
What are some of the qualities that you admire in your children?
perseverance, driven, loving, caring, sweet, sensitive, great parents.
How much of their personality now was a part of them as children?
Actually quite a bit, still many of the same qualities. They mature, but much of their personalities while children are still the same, yet they have learned to control the lesser qualities of their personalities, by developing patience, becoming better problem solvers, learning to control their tempers, etc.
Before your children were of traditional school age, were you a stay at home mom or were you employed outside the home? At the time, how did you feel about that decision? How do you feel about it now?
I was a stay at home mom until my children were in high school.
At the time I did not like being poor, I also did not have many girlfriends because most of them worked. I was the mom that watched other people’s children after school, or if a child was sick and couldn’t go to school, etc. Also, during my time, if you did not work, some people looked down on you, like there was something ‘wrong’ with you. So sometimes I felt inferior to my friends who were helping contribute an income to the family. But, I am so glad that my husband and I agreed for me to stay at home and raise my children myself, instead of someone else. Also, it was fun… I liked being a housewife and mom.
Tell me about a difficult decision you remember making as a mom concerning one of your children. If you could do it over, would you make the same choice?
My stepson was a teenager and totally out of control. He came to live with us when he was 14 years old. He was into drugs, alcohol, stealing, sneaking out, running away, etc. At the time our two smaller children were only 3 and 7, so all this behavior had an impact on my kids.
We decided to send my stepson to a home for runaway children, because a lot of places for troubled teens would not take them if they were known as “runaways”, and our funding was very low. We didn’t have health insurance because my husband was self-employed and we could not afford it at the time.
He was in the home for 9 months, and to this day he still will not talk to us about the experience. I don’t believe he was abused, but they did things to prevent him from running away. But, I think it helped him learn how to be a team player.
What would I do If I had it to do all over again is a very tough question. Probably we would, because we were desperate and he was out to end his life. Do I feel bad, yes, I wish we had the money to put him in a better place that could have given him better counseling.
Tell me about something you feel you did ‘right’ as a mom.
A lot of things.
But when we sensed that our middle child was experiencing problems in public middle school, (self-esteem) we decided to move him to a private school and I think that was the best decision we could have made for him and he would agree with you today.
What were some of your family’s favorite meals that you served?
Homemade macaroni and cheese, pot roast, chicken noodle soup, king ranch casserole, beef stroganoff.
Are there any particular foods that your grown children now ask for at family gatherings? Would you mind sharing those recipes and any story behind the dish?
Not really… oh yes, I forgot when my daughter was 5 years old I made a ghost cake for her birthday, she asks for it occasionally (just made it for her 29th birthday). Also, dirt pudding is one that the kids ask for (my version dates back to 1984)
Did you establish or follow any family traditions with your children that you especially cherished… then or now? Tell me about a few of your favorites.
I was not raised with family traditions per say (except food), so I started a few of my own.
I had my first Easter Egg Hunt for my son when he was two years old, which I still do today. As the kids got older we added a golden egg (that contained money). When a child reaches 20 years of age they are no longer able to participate! I also dye eggs with all my nieces, nephew and grandchildren. I also started that back when Kyle was two. Also, I always decorated pumpkins with all the kids and I still do that with nieces, nephews, and grandchildren.
How did you celebrate birthdays with your children?
We always had birthday parties with their friends at the house, sometimes we would have sleep-overs. As the children became teenagers, we celebrated by taking them out to dinner (restaurant of their choice and they could invite three or four friends). Birthdays were and still are a big deal in our family.
What were some of your family’s favorite things to do together when you had preschoolers? Elementary-school age children? High schoolers? Now?
We always went to the playground in our neighborhood, and took hikes on “old Indian paths.”
When kids got older, elementary school, we would go see movies together as a family, go to game places (miniature golf, bumper boats, outdoor games), still would take walks together, go swimming, play board and card games.
When they were in high school, we would still see movies together, shopping was real big, no more games though, watch certain TV shows together.
Now that they are older, we like to cook for our kids, and we like to take vacations together.
What memories of their youth do you think your children recall most fondly now?
Not sure, maybe our family vacations, as they were always special and geared for the kids. We also took our children to several Olympics over the years, so those are pretty special memories for them.
Is there anything about your parenting that you are especially proud of? What is it?
I always made our house fun so my children would have their friends come to our house instead of them always wanting to go somewhere else. I always tried to be fair to each child and respect their views and opinions (even if different than mine).
Is there anything about your parenting that you now regret? Do you mind sharing that with us?
Well, according to my children I did not have any patience.
I volunteered way too much at my children’s schools and after-school activities, which seemed to always make me run out of time during the day, and so I probably had a short fuse with my patience.
When your children were very young, did you have any hobbies you enjoyed just for yourself? If so, what were they?
I quilted and sewed clothes for my children and me. I also did counted cross-stitch. These were things I could do while I watched my children play outside, in their gameroom, or during practices for sports.
(I’d like to add that Doris is an amazing knitter and potter now… and she shares her craft beautifully. She even has a kiln in her garage! How cool is that?! Okay, back to her words…)
If you could give newer moms three pieces of advice, what would they be?
- Be patient.
- Listen to your children when they need to talk to you without judging them.
- Just love on them.
Is there a question I haven’t asked that you would like to answer?
The biggest issue I probably had with my children between them was sibling rivalry and as adults they still continue to have problems with their relationships with each other.
Just remember, children are born with a personality all their own and sometimes no matter how hard we try, we cannot always change the things we dislike in them (It is who they are). I can only hope that they will glean some of the good things that I taught them as children and they will apply it to their lives.
Thank, Doris, for being so honest in sharing with us!
Want more? Check out the other Real (Experienced) Moms interviews…
Are you a Real (Experienced) Mom who would like to answer some of these questions for us and share your stories? Or do you know someone who is? Please send me a note… I’m always looking for new moms to feature.
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