Today marks the last post from Valerie, last Thursday’s Real (Experienced) Mom. I hope you have enjoyed reading about her as much as I have. Each time I read her stories I am inspired and amazed. I hope you are, too.
If you haven’t read them yet, please swing by and read Part One, Part Two and Part Three.
Is there anything about your parenting that you are especially proud of? What is it?
I think if I’m proud of anything, it would be letting them fail. We didn’t rescue them from every situation. We helped them learn from their mistakes. There are so many things I can’t take credit for because God’s mercy covered my failings and pride when I got full of myself. The boys each had their own way of showing me my weaknesses by seeing them in their lives. I was given five little mirrors to see my sin and God’s love cover them all. Sometimes the thing that bugged me the most was what I didn’t want to deal with in my own life.
The biggest lesson came when one boy wanted to quit high school. We knew it wasn’t a great fit for him but pride got in the way. What would people think of our parenting if we just let him quit? It took months with a child psychologist to show us that our son would be ok. Relationship was more important than a diploma. It was our pride that was the problem. It took maturity on all our parts to see what we see now. The doctor said, “Time plus experience equal maturity.” We know, now, that was both for our son and us. We saved relationship at the cost of rigidity. Years later our son has gotten his GED, went to college, married and will graduate from college next year. His experience will give him tools that a rigid plan would not.
Is there anything about your parenting that you now regret? Do you mind sharing that with us?
I regret being angry as a young mom. Having four kids under six was hard. I was not emotionally healthy and did not see it. I was a yeller. I was controlling. When I went to counseling, I learned coping skills to help me. I took pills that also helped. This combination along with prayer and fellowship of believers changed my life. At thanksgiving this year we had a family with small children join ours for the day. She admitted that she was a yeller. I said I was one too and my youngest said, “You were?” Either I was healthier when he was young or God’s grace and mercy covered us. Still, I regret yelling and spanking and punishing that was not done in love.
When your children were very young, did you have any hobbies you enjoyed just for yourself? If so, what were they?
I have always love sewing and crafts. This was good for us all. It took me away and grounded me at the same time.
Knitting and crocheting gave the boys and others many blankets. Sewing was a delight from youth. I had my own sewing machine in 6th grade and would sew with my mom. Our first big purchase in marriage was a sewing machine. I sewed everything. I took apart a pair of my husband’s cords for a pattern and made his pants and shirts. I even made his tightey whiteys! For years I made most of our clothes. I made sleepers and t-shirts and pants for the boys. One year for Christmas I made 35 pair of boxers, 7 for each boy. I don’t think sewing is as economical today as it was. Both then and now I garage sale and thrift store shop.
Quilting is the hobby that is really me time. I have a bunch of projects going at once and am always planning a new one. I love color and design. I love traditional and contemporary quilts. I work in a quilt store and have for the last ten years. When the boys were small, nothing seemed to end. Groceries, cooking, laundry, cleaning, but sewing had a start and an end. It satisfied the creativity God had put in me and the need to see something complete. I do have many projects that are like children, though, that never seem to get done.
If you could give newer moms three pieces of advice, what would they be?
1. Partner with your husband and God.
You are a team. Remember, you picked him for a reason. If you need to, dig back and find the reason you said “I do.” The qualities you once found endearing may annoy you now. Our greatest strengths are also are weaknesses. Before you married you admired that he never left a job half-finished and would help someone at the drop of a hat. Now it annoys you that he stays late at work to finish a project or spends Saturday loading someone’s moving van. Rejoice in his strengths and respect them.
2. You are the best gift your children can ever get.
They crave your time. It goes soon. Everyone says it but it really does slip away if you let it. Don’t let it. The new computer or car can wait, time with your children shouldn’t have to. They want you more than things. They may not know it as they get bigger but they still do. Some want to stay home with their children when they are young. I found I wanted to stay home when they were in school also so I could send them off and welcome them home. This was as important as the preschool years. They may not always talk to you, but warm cookies has a way of opening them up.
3. Let God give you grace.
Just as salvation is a gift we can’t earn and don’t deserve, we need to receive grace and mercy. We will all keep making mistakes in how we relate to others. Admit it to God and if need be to others (your kids, husband, friend, mother-in-law). Keep open communication with the Savior and those He put in your sphere of influence. As a stay at home mom when someone asked what I did I told them I was in investments. I was investing in future leaders.
I truly hope you have enjoyed Valerie’s insight and stories as our Real (Experienced) Mom. Her posts have truly been a blessing to me and I hope they will be to my children, too, as I try to implement some of the things she has shared.
This coming Thursday we’ll hear from our next Real (Experienced) Mom. She’s quite a lady, too!
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